Well, it appears I didn't learn from my previous lesson of not taking everyone at face value!
After a stressful couple of months realising 'be careful of what you wish for', I managed to get another job. Even though this one started the same as the previous job - being very friendly, presenting themselves as genuine caring people, I had high hopes, I believed them completely. Why? Because unlike other job interviews, where the hiring manager hadn't even looked at my CV, these people had actively engaged with me on LinkedIn, and gone on my website, AND read my blog! They said that helped them make the decision because it showed what a resilient person I was, and that I was looking for a friendly company.
What did it also show though? That I was gullible.
I fell 100% for their compliments and showering of gifts, even when it became a little too over the top, a little too obvious that it was all for show, I lapped it up, I played into it because I enjoyed living this dream that I was valued as not only a member of the team, but as an actual person. I had just come from a company that told me "your colleagues are not your friends", so for me to then start working at a company that talked about their family and what they did at the weekend, it was fun! Especially considering I was still living alone, keeping to government rules, I needed the "chat over coffee" social interactions.
My dream world came crashing down when the company took a sudden 180. It was like I woke up one day in a world where they hated me, I went from 'could do no wrong' to nothing I did was right! Opening the task manager brought me out in sweats, I had to work myself up to it, because there were suddenly ALWAYS negative comments about my work.
Finding out Gaslight, Girlboss, Gatekeep was a meme helped me find humour in the situation, it also made me feel better to realise they couldn't gaslight me, I had masses of internet proof that this is a real issue. There are people out there who think it's okay to step on you to get to the top. Now I will never agree with that, but I do have some respect for people who are honest about it, who are so horrible that it's obvious they use you until you are no longer needed. But the ones who act lovey dovey to you? Oh my gosh, stop. I cannot stress how much this messed with my head. This was my first true full on experience of it. Sure, I've known people who act like they want to be friends, then you never hear from them again, people who act like they care about you, then go and stab you in the back. But this was every single member of the company. They all played a role in ensuring I thought I was worthless. I was told the classics, that I'd never find anywhere else, no one else would hire me, they know I'm crap, but they'll still keep me, it was even questioned if I had an actual degree! These hurt me, but what kept me grounded was the SIX MONTHS worth of compliments I had from them, praising my skills and hard work. So, I knew there was some horrible ulterior motive here.
It finally came to a head, when I started to get very very ill. This experience is what helped me learn about the impact stress has on your body. You can't ignore it. Now, because of this, I am very good at looking after myself, looking for the signs, and putting my health first. But back then? Not a chance. Work had ALWAYS come first, thanks to the mindset of A LOT of people I worked with.
I realised I wouldn't be able to work if I was dead. This company realised that as well, because I ended up having a meeting where they said it sounds like I might end up in hospital for months, so I wouldn't be able to do work for them. That's not good for the company!
That's not good for the company.
Not me, not how I am feeling about this, how will I pay my bills, how will I manage, no, how will this affect the company. How selfish of me to get sick! This was the breaking point for me. It was terrifying, but I put in my first ever resignation.
And it's the best thing I ever did. Because guess what? I landed a better job THAT SAME MONTH. Please, always trust your gut, put YOU first. And always know you are valued.
Disclaimer: I have not mentioned any personal or company names. My intentions are not to draw negative attention to anyone. I do not wish ill harm. If you, the reader, really wanted to, you could figure out who this is, but that is not my goal with this piece. This is part of my story, it's part of Laura's Life Lessons, talking about how we are all just trying to find our way in this crazy world.