Mental Health Awareness week 2023 was the first time I openly talked about my semi-colon butterfly tattoo, and so the first time I openly brought awareness to my suicide experience.
I was never going to talk about this, I have never properly spoken to anyone about this, never been on a helpline or been to a group support session, so I'm honestly not sure the best way to say it. The best way is to simply say it! Jackson's post reminded me awareness is everything. Seeing Jackson Howell talk about his own tattoo made me feel so seen, I realised I had to be that support for someone too.
For me, help is needed when I start to have "what's the point?" thoughts. They start off small like "What's the point in brushing my hair?" but if left unresolved, they spread until it gets to "What's the point in living?".
I'd had toxic bosses before, but they'd always had an ethical line (if you can call it that), their comments were directed at the quality of my work, they were micro-managers or absent managers. With this particular company, they went for my very soul. This wasn't about being disappointed with my work, it was about being disappointed with MY LIFE.
It was so bad, I would wake up crying, knowing I had to travel in and spend another day in hell. I had to fight my claustrophobia, squash my OCD, hide my bisexuality, and worst of all lose my spark, my "childish" joy and wonder for life. Of course, I couldn't hide being a woman, so that was an easy attack tactic.
I remember vividly my first time trying to take my life. I saw a car coming down the road quickly. I stepped out. They managed to stop in time...just. I wasn't even panicked. I was numb. I remember making eye contact with the driver and just staring. Neither of us said anything, but we both knew that step out was purposeful.
Then, I made my way back to the office, sat down at my desk, and got back to work. Nobody knew what could have happened.
That's the thing about environments that are dense with pain. Everybody's too busy dealing with their own problems to care about you. My last bit of spark left me when people I thought were my allies agreed enough was enough and promised to stand with me if I said something. So, I stood up for what was right, in front of everyone. I was alone. People were too fearful to say anything.
Sometimes I struggle to find the words because I've buried it so deep. That's what trauma does to you. I'm not here to prove how bad it was, or convince you it happened, I'm here to support others who can relate and need that kindness. Like when I get my "What's the point?" thoughts, I'm here for those who need putting back on the path of happiness.
It's okay to not be okay. What's not okay is to think you have to suffer in silence.
I suffered like this for a long time. My story could have ended, but what's important is it didn't. And I'm SO glad it didn't end. My life has really turned around for the better. My butterfly found a garden full of flowers and basked in the warm sunshine. There is so much joy in life, please don't end your story 🦋🌷🌹🌻🌼🌞
💗 Please reach out, you are not alone 💗
(Please ignore the wording in the white box, you can call these numbers ANY week.)
Post references: Mind and Jasmine Rocks
Disclaimer: There are no ill intentions with this post. I am spreading awareness to help save lives. All opinions are my own. I acknowledge and respect that you might have different thoughts to me.